Friday, September 1, 2017

Types of Guys You Date in Your Twenties

I was really obsessed by how alone I was over the summer — in retrospect, pathetically so. This led to a lot of bad decisions in my quest for a fun summer fling. But, as I quickly found out, the vast majority of guys are not worth the time. I'm glad that I at least made all of my mistakes early on and all at once in one summer, so moving forward, I won't be having the same awful experiences over the course of several years. Starting off this semester, I am still single, but happily so. The following caricatures are sadly based on real life experiences.

1) the Liberal
-fights for higher taxes on the wealthy and $15 minimum wage
-only talks about himself
-interrupts you in the middle of a sentence
-doesn't pay for your food in the name of equality
-never asks any questions
-expects you to walk around to meet him
-casually low key racist

2) the Hookup
-decent first date and conversation
-invites himself over without really asking
-thinks he's a really good singer
-doesn't want to use a condom "because it doesn't feel good"
-thinks the best thing a guy can give a girl is sex
-kicks you out at 8am because it's "inconvenient"
-messages you two weeks later about how he's over you

3) the Boring Corporate Guy
-has a great job, his own apartment, and car
-takes you out to brunch without a reservation
-is incredibly stingy with money
-can't hold a conversation
-not as tall as you think he is
-doesn't take a hint
-a dead fish has more personality

4) the Philosophical One
-first question he asks is, "what is your definition of happiness?"
-shows you cool libraries
-can't be bothered to comb his hair
-is happy to just cuddle
-a Buddhist, even though he is white
-always saying how beautiful you look
-really chill, like maybe too chill

5) the Techie
-slightly awkward and nerdy, but cute
-lives for his work
-is really smart, going places
-not aggressively sexual
-takes you out for lots of food!
-actually fairly interesting in terms of life experiences
-doesn't text you back
-lasts six seconds

6) the Fuckboi
-seems perfect, almost too perfect, at first
-most likely a gym rat trying to get swole
-room is messy af, almost a biohazard zone
-says he likes you but doesn't make an effort
-having a conversation is too much of an emotional commitment
-ghosts you for three months two weeks after you start talking
-messages you to hook up at 1pm on a Wednesday
-is emotionally unavailable, probably because he misses his ex

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