Saturday, September 16, 2017

A Girl Has Needs

There's a boy and he was everything I wanted. Six foot one, built like a demigod, dark hair, hazel eyes, smart, and kind. He liked archery and the color purple and cats and he laughed at my puns and held my hand and took me out to dinner, and he liked me too, until it all crumbled before me like a sandcastle at high tide, for seemingly no reason at all. I watched what could have been slip away like sand between my fingers. It felt like a big, "Fuck you," from the universe, to be shown something so beautiful and magnificent, and to have it all washed away like it never existed.

I keep trying to figure out what went wrong. Part of it was my fault — I rushed into it, I couldn't help myself, I couldn't stay chill. But I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried everything I knew, and nothing was getting a response. He'd talk to me some times, and then he wouldn't. I grew frustrated with every interaction, the on and off conversations where nothing was being said and it felt like he didn't care. It wasn't out of any malicious intent; it was just who he was, somewhat oblivious and too much in his own head to consider how other people felt. I struggled to accept this, and part of me still hasn't, but it's past time for me to let go. But the worst part is I know I'd throw myself back at him in a heartbeat if he made any effort at all.

The fact of the matter is I'm alone again, and I need to be not alone, just not in the way you think. I thought I'd be growing my circle of friends in college, but instead I find myself losing people. One friend temporarily for some business travel, another off to study abroad and no longer speaking English, one former friend to the complicated matter of a possibly non-consensual encounter between us, one friend to his own anxiety, one friend to her numerous other obligations, and countless others to distance and time and no reason to talk. I fill my time as much as I can with classes and notes and work and exercise and digital distractions but still I am faced with empty weekends. Nobody blowing up my phone. The people I make plans with don't invite me back. All the discipline in what I eat, when I exercise, how I study, how I live my life, has no impact whatsoever on how other people live theirs and whether they choose for me to be a part of it. Maybe it's a bad case of FOMO but I think there's something more there: I need that connection, I need communication, I need a sense of security that people care. Regardless of my self worth, I am only human, and humans are social creatures. I have no idea what to do about this but to continue to reach out, and hope that someone reaches back. ◊

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