Friday, August 25, 2017


There wasn't enough time. Back from DC, unpack, set up, help people, sleep alone at night, go to meetings, sleep alone during the day, shop around aimlessly, rinse and repeat. Start classes, figure it out, go through the motions, have an emotional talk with an ex-friend (minus the emotions), have a talk with a friend (again, minus the emotions), feel confused, feel ignored, feel confused, feel hurt and upset and say nothing.

Girl, it takes guts just to survive.

I'm feeling like a computer and there's a setting in my control panel that's wrong. I don't know how to process emotions, don't know how to make conversation, don't know who I am. Everyone is going out and hanging out and having fun, and it feels like I don't know how to do that myself and no one cares enough about me to show me how. I know this is something I can work on myself but goddammit it's difficult and I'm so tired and scared. People in their twenties are awful and selfish and oblivious. So am I. Don't take your friends for granted. Don't stop showing your friends you care. Things get bad but that doesn't mean you stop caring.

Finished the first week, really just half a week, and I'm already out of it. Nausea, headache, fatigue, whatever this is that's keeping me down, I'm sick of it, but I don't know what to do about it. Actually, I know what to do. Do better, do better, do better. Goddammit it's difficult and I'm tired and scared.

There's always that part of me that tells me to accept this emotionally stunted aspect of myself. I can't change the way I was raised. I could forego the entire struggle of feeling like I don't know how to fit in. I don't know if that's possible in this kind of society. I could move to a small farm with some cats and paint in my spare time. I'm already familiar enough with being alone, and this way, at least I won't have to struggle with being lonely if I have no one to miss. It's probably not going to happen, but I can always wonder.

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