Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Ducks in a Row

It's been an awful week. I haven't been able to pinpoint what's making me feel awful, but there's a general sense of awfulness and discontent, and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I had a panic attack on Sunday upon the sudden realization of how much work I had to do; I haven't had a panic attack in a very long time so I didn't realize I was having a panic attack until after it happened. I had to go back to suburbia to sign my taxes, which is never a pleasant experience. I think that may have been a large contributing factor to the panic attack, but everything in my head is so muddled right now I can't quite figure it out. I really hope I'm not sinking into a depression trough again.

The one redeeming feature of the trip back to suburbia was going to Costco and picking up my favorite pastries — apple strudel. I brought four of them back to Berkeley with me with the intention of eating one for breakfast each day, but when I got back from running errands, they were all gone, me having only eaten one for breakfast that day. Seeing as one of my roommates is the only other person in the apartment right now, her and her boyfriend, the only possibility is that they ate all the rest of them. As stupid as it sounds, that was the thing that broke me. I called Anisha and cried over my lost pastries. I'm mad at my roommate more than anything — I feel like it's basic human decency to ask before eating something that doesn't belong to you — but being mad isn't going to get my pastries back. Still, I'm upset that the one thing I was looking forward to to get up in the morning for is gone.

On the plus side, I did get out of the house and get things done. Getting a state ID has been on my to-do list for months, but I've always been too scared to go to the DMV. After the fact, it honestly wasn't that bad, but anxiety doesn't always make sense. I think the motivating factor that enabled me to go was seeing this tweet somewhere on Tumblr a few days ago:
"If I waited till I got my ducks all in a row I'd never cross the street. Sometimes u just have 2 gather up what u'v got & make a run for it"

It makes a lot of sense: I'm always planning, optimizing, trying to develop a perfectly efficient course of action before pursuing anything, but sometimes it's just not possible. If I had to plan exactly when to take the bus and arrive at the DMV, I would have put it off every day because I can't wake up at the most optimal time to do that. And once I got there, I would have had an aneurysm trying to anticipate every line and social interaction, because I have no idea what to expect. That's the thing with the DMV I think that made me nervous — it was an unfamiliar environment that I had no way to plan for. But once I got there and waited in line and got a number and followed the instructions, everything was ok. I could have done this much sooner, but I was so petrified of not being able to accomplish that goal perfectly that I didn't even bother to start. But today, I gathered up what I had and made a run for it: I threw all of my documents into a bag, grabbed a book to read while I waited, and hopped onto the bus. And now I'll be getting my ID in the mail within 30 days.

After that, aside from the pastry incident, everything was pretty okay. I got a lot of things done that I had been putting off, and I'm feeling a little more motivated to tackle some of the things I still have left to do. I've also been catsitting for a friend in Berkeley, and having a cat around helps a lot. Hopefully this mood lifts soon and I can enjoy the rest of my break a bit more. ◊

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