Saturday, January 14, 2017

Nothing to Lose and Everything to Gain

New year, new me — and oh what a roller coaster it's been already. Future me is going to look back at this and laugh at why I ever thought it was a big deal, but this has all been very new and a huge push out of my comfort zone. I realize this is the epitome of #vagueposting but let's keep it that way. There are some things I won't talk about even on my own blog.

As fun as winter break was, it's time to get back into the swing of things. For the most part I've achieved the things I set out to do, but again, things like driver's ed and starting a journal fell by the wayside. It's all too easy to over-promise and under-deliver, a pattern I fall into more often than I'd like to admit. But the promise of achievement and perfection is too tempting to not mull over. I don't think I've ever been presented with such a favorable confluence of events that realistically put my goals and desires within my reach in all aspects of my life including scheduling, friends, jobs, and living factors.

There is so much potential this semester, but the flip side is the undesirable possibility of failing to meet that potential. I have a lot of anxieties about things not playing out as perfectly as they could be. My schedule is only to be as good as it could be if I actually get into the classes I want, which is no guarantee. Between keeping up with friends and applying for internships and getting a job and self care and self improvement there are a lot of things that I need to balance and devote attention towards.

Above all of that there's the thought of setting my life up. I'm turning 20 this year and soon it's really going to be real and I'm actually going to be self reliant for everything. It's exciting but also there's a lot of boring busywork that comes with it. I need to be prepared for that and have all my legal business in order (like finally getting a state ID) but that stuff takes time to process. They aren't necessarily difficult things, just things that take time to do. It is so difficult to get myself to go out and take care of those things that running the simplest errands makes me feel powerful even though it's probably normal for most people to do. But to me it is terrifying, and going to the financial aid office, mailing packages, and paying my credit card bill makes me feel like a responsible adult who is capable of taking care of her life. Accomplishment is addicting, whether it's the big victories or just the little ones.

Beyond these things that I have to do, I need to make time for the things I want to do. I want more out of my experience and my time in college. There are so many things I want that I don't know where to begin, and so I haven't begun, whether that's defining my sense of style or getting to know people. Again, that's why my goal this year is "Defining Direction" — to push myself to do things to get what I want. Time to stop talking about what I want to be doing and just do it instead. Too long I've been stuck wanting to get to a better place, but too scared to even take the first step. If the start of this year is a sign at all, being pushed out of my comfort zone has allowed me to consider a number of newfound possibilities. As a friend has been telling me, "The more you do, the more you can do."

I don't want to jinx it and end up over-promising and under-delivering again, but despite my anxieties, I'm confident and hopeful that Spring 2017 is going to be a great semester. Even if things don't work out with my schedule, I will have the time and motivation to do what I want, or I'll focus on making the time. There is a lot of uncertainty but there is also more opportunity and ability to pursue my goals than I've ever had before. I'm afraid that I could live the same year 75 times and call it a life, but 2017 has the potential for things to start being different — the year of nothing to lose and everything to gain. ◊

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