Thursday, May 19, 2016

Where's Prince Charming?

If there's any downside to seeing the pros and cons of both sides, it's that I can never make a decision. I'll cut straight to the chase — I've never been able to decide if I want to actively pursue a relationship or not. With great risk, there's great reward, and maybe I will meet my soulmate and skip off into the sunset in eternal bliss, but there's also the likelier scenario that my first relationship will be some bizarre mutual infatuation that fizzles out into a disappointing mess. That, quite frankly, is a bit off-putting, but I've never been able to fully commit myself to being an agoraphobic cat lady either.

The reason for that is that I don't want to miss Mr. Perfect when he comes around because of some stupid promise I made to myself when I was 18 to never date for the rest of my life. At the same time, it's a lot of effort to be thinking about who I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. Being back in Suburbia and having my mother chat her head off about who she wants me to marry (and the ridiculously racist stipulations that come with it) have led me to reexamine what I'm really doing in that relationship sphere of my life. Truthfully, I've been mired in indecision since as long as I've understood what a relationship really entailed.

I never dated in high school, due to the realistic thought that very few high school couples stay together after high school, so why waste my time. True, I should have taken the opportunity and enjoyed it while it lasted, but I hadn't reached that far in my grand scheme of introspection while I was still in high school. Thus, relationship issues (or lack thereof) are my one regret of high school.

High school sweethearts are great and all (really, congrats to them, I don't know how they do it), but more common are the lovely tales of, "I met my spouse in college, you might too!" And so, I entered college with a heart full of hope of meeting "the one" and left freshman year utterly disappointed that college boys are pretty much the same as high school boys. Truthfully, the age difference isn't great, so they are the same more or less, and I shouldn't have expected anything different. However, it does seem that they mature out around junior/senior year or grad school, except dating a GSI is not allowed, and I'm a little hesitant about swearing off dating until after college. But let's be real, who meets their one and only in their first two years of college?

That said, what do I do in the meantime? If the first two years of college aren't worth it in terms of dating but I don't want to commit to being an agoraphobic cat lady, there aren't many options. But I think I have stumbled upon a solution that fits all my needs. I've decided that I'm staying single for one year, beginning on my birthday this year. That means that I can enjoy friendships with anyone and everyone I want, without feeling awkward about considering the next step. No one's going to question anything if I say that I'm swearing off relationships for a year due to a number of bad boyfriends (my roommates' not mine, but they don't have to know that). And if it is the right person, they'd be willing to stick around for a year to be a friend, first and foremost.

It's a win-win. I don't waste my time and energy, but it's not an irreversible decision. For once, it's a concrete decision, but it won't leave me feeling guilty a few years down the road for not leaping at every chance I had. Hopefully this decision will also give myself some time to mature undistractedly and think about what I really want, instead of having a new crush every week and feeling crushed with my pessimism that it wouldn't have worked out. As of now, I'm satisfied with this solution, and I really hope I stayed satisfied with it for a year, at least. ◊

Addendum: TL;DR The idea of dating is a lot of pressure and I want to spend my first few years of college making friends without worrying about the emotional weight of finding a significant other.

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