Thursday, November 12, 2015

November Already?

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged.

I've been busy. I survived my first midterm season here at Berkeley (it wasn't too bad, an essay for sociology and a short answer test for political science –– got A's on both of them), the essays and readings are never ending, and I've started to spend more time with people I think I can start to call "real friends." It's surprising how easy it is to be lonely on a campus of so many people, but once you discover the people you share values with and they are equally interesting in being friends with your own strange little self, lovely things can happen. Yesterday was Veterans' Day, which we had off from classes, so a few friends and I got together, bought some cookies, piled up the blankets (it's been unusually cold around here), and did nothing but watch Disney movies. If you ever get the chance to revisit Pocahontas, I highly recommend it. The artistry is beautiful, if the plot and dialogue are a bit frustrating sometimes.

Aside from not wanting to neglect this blog, another very important reason for returning as I am is to vent a little. Actually, things have been going pretty well in all aspects of life, especially achieving that balance between social and academic. Extracurriculars are starting to make more sense too as all the procedures become routine. I even went hiking up to the Big C with my RHA ExComm last Saturday. I just wish I could be doing more. I went to a protest for the first time today, and I was so overwhelmed by the sheer number of people that I ended up observing the rally rather than participating in it. Though it is now crossed off my bucket list, I wish I had the time and energy to be more involved. There are so many things to be done, and while I know it's not possible to do everything, I want to put it near the top of my list  next semester to go to more events and be a part of the larger causes on campus.

At the moment, the thing that's holding me back is a turbid mix of academic perfectionism and mental health problems. I had another panic attack out of the blue on October 28th, and it's held me back as life keeps moving forward. I missed a week's worth of lectures in some classes, and I'm hopelessly behind on readings again. I want to make up every little detail knowing fully well that I can't. And you may not be able to tell from reading this, but I've been stuck with writer's block for my Classics essay. As I am able to type this out now, I know for sure that I can attribute my inability to work on it to the fact that I just don't think I can write it right (and therefore my brain believes it is best to not work on it at all), but that doesn't mean it's not due. Back to the grindstone... ◊

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