Friday, July 17, 2015

#obsessed: i believe – Christina Perri

I may have been introduced to this song a long time ago by Wei-Wei, but I'm not quite sure if it was this one or another Christina Perri song; I recently rediscovered this song through the trailer for the new Pan movie (looks great, except Rooney Mara plays Tiger Lily, which is absolutely ridiculous). Only the last few lines are used in the trailer and they have been echoing in my head for days, so I finally looked it up. It's such a pure sounding song, both in the background chords and vocals.

Other than enjoying the beautiful music, I am particularly keen on meaningful lyrics.
"And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling."
"'Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
I believe that today it's okay to be not okay."
To provide some context, a quick update. This summer has been off. It's nowhere near as exciting as I thought it would be, but there's still enough stuff to do that I can't relax. I've been okay for a while now, happy even, but the absence of a struggle becomes a struggle in itself. Happiness feels shallow and meaningless. The ridiculous thing about having had depression for such a long time is that it is familiar, comfortable. With depression, one's being is filled with a sense of emptiness, but what happens when there isn't even emptiness to fill you? Add to that the fact that my parents are threatening to kick me out, and an insidious, choking anxiety begins to grow as well. It doesn't help that this is making me paranoid about losing friends and overanalyzing every social interaction. I can't help but think that people are changing, and I'm stuck in a limbo. But I don't want to be depressed, I just want something. Essentially, this:
The start of college is also ticking closer and closer, and I am worried (needless to say I worry about everything, but this especially so). I worry about keeping in touch with my friends through the next few years, I worry about keeping them safe here and now, and I worry about my own future experiences. I've been a good child, I've made it through high school without ever touching a single drop of alcohol, without a single drug or cut, but see, there is no gold star for doing everything right. Instead, I've developed a paralyzing fear of breaking the rules, to the point where I get panic attacks whenever someone even mentions illegal activity, and this is not how it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be better this way, I was supposed to be better this way, but now all I feel is alienated from the rest of society. It has become a part of my character, and in this regard I cannot relate to my closest friends, and it terrifies me making the "right" decisions will be my greatest insecurity.

I'm torn between fighting the void and giving in to the void, and once again, indecision keeps me from moving forward with my life. I wish there was a process to reconcile between maintaining my squeaky clean personality and not being triggered by illicit substances, but I'm just not there yet. There's a lot of sitting and thinking and contemplating to be done, but adult life is catching up, and the flood of forms and fears is getting in the way. Someday I'll have this all figured out, but for now I can only try my best and hope that it's enough. Enough of what, I do not know, but whatever it is, I hope it is enough. ◊

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