Saturday, November 15, 2014

Update: College Apps and Family Stress

Life feels like crap right now, and I feel like I can't talk about it with any of my close friends because I think they're getting annoyed at the fact that all I do is complain. It's not too far of an unfounded accusation, because I'm noticing that they're not really replying to my messages at all. They have their own stuff going on, and I don't blame them. They're still fun to hang out with when I can pretend that there's nothing wrong. I feel petty for complaining about this though.

Luckily, I can rant all I want right here. This is my personal blog, and as of now, I'm not really obligated to post cool, fun stuff all the time. I don't feel obligated to hide my struggles anymore, because I don't feel that it's shameful to have feelings and have a need to express them. I don't have to explicitly tell other people how I feel and expect them to understand; I can be my own validation.

I don't know how to best explain it, but I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed. Speech and debate is taking a lot of time, and I don't like how everything is being micromanaged. It's more work for the officers, and it's less fun because everything feels extremely controlled. I almost want to quit doing my events, but I have to stay in speech because I genuinely love working with the middle schoolers. Expos and extemp are fun, but they're a lot of stress.

UC apps are due quite soon, and I just found out yesterday that my dad is leaving for a trip on the 20th, so I have to get it done before then. Suddenly, my deadline went from about two and a half weeks away to less than one week away. Then there's only about a month left until the other college apps are due, and I've barely even looked at them. It doesn't help that my parents are constantly asking why I'm not working harder on them. It doesn't seem to occur to them that I still have a whole bunch of other things going on, and I somehow need to keep up with everything. I'm doing the best I can, but it's never enough.

Tomorrow I'll be working on an art project. On Sunday there's the CPK fundraiser for speech and debate. I still have math homework, science studying, an english essay, and my expos speech to finish. All I want to do is take a two month nap. I just feel gross and broken down and tired. I just wish I had someone to give me a one hour hug with blankets and cozy coffee and little cookies, and in general, just take care of me, because I can't do that myself.

I feel like I'm getting depressed again, and it's taking so much of my effort to keep myself out of that deep dark hole. Already, I'm losing interest in things, and food tastes like bitter sawdust. On top of that, visits from the counselor are taking an emotional and mental toll, so it's always difficult to get back on track when that happens. I want to sever relationships with my parents as soon as possible, so I can stay away from their toxic negativity and live my own life.

One of the topics of conversation with the counselor today was the idea that people should "work more, think less." I don't like that. I don't agree with that view on life. Be a good little worker bee and never question the things people feed you. Work until you die and never ask for anything more. You might as well be a robot. Maximum efficiency and no free will. I value my thinking. Thinking helps me understand myself, and work towards a better version of me and the world around me. The world doesn't change for the better if people only follow the rules; the rules can change when people think for themselves.

There's always that great story of triumph when someone gets out of an abusive relationship with their significant other. The ones that don't are called stupid. How is it so different with family relationships, where counselors come in to keep the children with their parents, and the children are called ungrateful for wanting to leave? Doesn't make much sense to me, but nothing really makes much sense anymore.

I have trust problems because the people that I'm supposed to be able to trust aren't behaving in a trustworthy manner. I should be able to feel supported by my parents, not called a disappointment and a loser, among other things. I'm worried that this will impact my future relationships. It's already affecting the ones with the people that I know now, because I'm paranoid that they're scheming against me or not really someone who cares about me.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't care for having a lot of friends. All I need is one person who truly understands me and I understand them. Loyalty and trust are the most important things to me in a friendship, and without an incredibly deep sense of them, I don't feel that someone is really my friend. Most people I know are simply acquaintances (of course, that's just the way I see it in my head, ideally. By any other definition I probably have a lot of friends.) Am I being clingy and rude, or is that just an introvert thing, perhaps?

The truth is, everybody has problems, and one way to deal with them is to talk about them with other people. And as much as I try to reach out, I know that there are people that aren't comfortable talking about things with me, and I need to remember not to take it so personally. Also, if you have any complaints or unhappiness, whether you think they are serious or stupid, you are always welcome to talk to me. I am a listener by nature, and I will be happy to support you in any way I can.

I'm really mad that the world is so messed up. I'm mad that so many people are unhappy, and they are looked down upon for being unhappy. I'm mad that there are so many things going on in the world that people are making a fuss over, when there are so many more pressing issues that need to be dealt with. I don't know. Everything is just really frustrating right now.

If you feel like life is a mess and there's no point in living anymore, read this. It really helped for me.

Wow this turned out a lot longer than I expected it to.

Also, on a happier note, I've hit 5000 pageviews! That's kind of cool. And two more friends found my blog today. Hello friends! Sorry you had to see this as the first new update. ◊

1 comment:

  1. no apologies silly :) i think your big is really cool <3