Sunday, October 26, 2014

I'm Done With It (Part 2)

I wrote Part 1 less than a week ago, but I don't remember what I wrote. I didn't even edit it before hitting "Publish," but I kind of want to leave it that way, so when I read it again, a month, a year, a decade (maybe) from now, I can see it for what it is.

A lot has gone on in this last week, and I've been writing down all of those thoughts as notes in this blog post. At the moment, I count nineteen points, but I'll probably combine a few of them so this post isn't ridiculously long and rambling. I just don't know what to do or feel anymore, so I need to sort through all these thoughts and figure some things out so I can actually do something productive.

Regular text is what I've written in this sitting, and italicized text is stuff I've copied and pasted from previous sittings that I haven't edited since writing it initially.

1) Mental Health
In the aftermath of the incident described in Part 1, staying in my room brought back traumatizing memories of being taken in to the hospital, and the condescending treatment from "authorities." It's not as bad anymore, but being in this room still makes me feel anxious. My parents still don't understand mental health, and there's nothing I can do about that because they aren't willing to listen, and I don't have the time or strength to force them to or change their mind. I was supposed to stay at a friend's house when I got back from the hospital, so I could have some time away from the site of the incident, but apparently, they care more about me doing what they want me to do instead of my mental health. There's no point to making a big fuss about that anymore, but it's something that I just need to express.

Child abuse – physical and psychological – is something that occurs behind closed doors and is hidden behind smiles, but it needs to be something that is out in the open. I've tried to tackle this issue in another post that includes other mental health issues that I may or may not publish, but it was too hard to write about everything all at once.

There is a scrape on the third knuckle of my right hand, swelling between the third and the fourth, a nickel sized bruise on my right wrist, and another the size and color of a large fig on my left knee. My left elbow is scraped and I'm sore all over but these are not very important. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt the most. If it had been any other person, child or adult, saying these things to me, they would be a bully. But with my parents, it is considered to be "discipline." I'll never understand how the system considers physical abuse more severe than any other kind. Bruises and even broken bones heal, but words poison the mind and taint thoughts for years to come.

What I hate the most is that they are manipulative. They are not the only good people in the world. They are not the only people in the world that care about me. I refuse to believe what they tell me anymore. I cannot trust what they say. But the damage is done already. I don't trust anyone anymore. Everyone in the world is out to get me, somehow. I can barely even trust myself.

Another perspective on this issue is with friends. There aren't very many people I trust completely and feel like I can talk about anything to. Some people I trust, but I'm afraid that I'll be bothersome and negative, so I don't talk to them. So I keep the close friend count around two. But then all my problems and rants get cast on to these people. I feel like I'm being annoying or aggravating to them a lot of the time. This may or may not be true, but I end up being very clingy. And when I realize this, I stop talking to them, because I don't want to be annoying and clingy. I really don't know how to think or feel about this.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm obsessed with my mental illness. It's almost like it impacts every part of my life. It's probably just all happening inside my head, but oh, maybe that's why they call it a "mental" illness.

This post is long enough as it is, and I was originally going to have it have four subpoints. It's probably a better idea to break it up into more parts, which I will do, but publish them all in one day, or staggered on different days very closely together. ◊

1 comment:

  1. Hey Carol :) Found your blog! I totally understand the friend problem ... I went through the same issue and was afraid of letting it all out on my closest friends, so sometimes I kept it in and went even more crazy!